


What Fuckery is This?

by crushed_leaves



Category: Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: M/M, Who knows tbh, comedic, it is what it is, maybe smut? someday?, miscellaneous fuckery, utter shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-06
Updated: 2020-01-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:02:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22145338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crushed_leaves/pseuds/crushed_leaves
Summary: Basically just some one-shot drabble with no direction.
Relationships: Ramsay Bolton/Theon Greyjoy
Comments: 4
Kudos: 6





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I had this buried for a long time, but it was time to share. There's no real Thramsay action yet, like at all, but who knows? Maybe I'll update it one day.

Theon drove his car as fast as he could without flipping it. It was a small, shabby little thing that held close to the ground, but it could kick up a lot of dust. And Theon made sure that’s what it did as he flew into the parking lot of his new school. Established out in the middle of butt-fuck nowhere, it had been a long drive down the windy and desolate road deep into a dense forest on the outskirts of SomewhereShire. Finding a nice spot on the far end of the lot, he parked as neatly as he could in his new space and shut off the car.

  
Here, he was right in front of a very large and very bleak looking building. Easily three stories, it towered over the entrance building.  
Must be either a prison or a gymnasium, to have walls that thick with no windows. He vaguely considered the possibility of an auditorium, but he knew no music or arts would be found at an establishment like this. Theon took a moment to assess around the building as he left his car and grabbed his things, attentively noticing a dark alleyway to the right of the looming building, between its far wall and what looked like a supply shed. Already he could see a few students talking quietly and passing between hands in the shadows. Making a mental note, he locked his car and headed to his left toward the office building, sandwiched between the goliath to its right and the large school building to the left.

  
Joining the school a few weeks into the year, there would be no mass tour for poor Theon. Instead, he was walking up to the front office desk, gaining the attention of one overweight, middle aged receptionist.

“Well hello there young man! What can I do for you today?” The man offered a large, heavily mustached smile.  
Theon answered, but all the man heard was “I’m a new-” before the phone rang.  
“Oh well whattabout that. I gotta take this son, just one minute here.” Theon nodded and tuned off, glancing around the walls of the bleak, largely undecorated office space, observing the awful man through his peripherals.

  
He had a horrible bald line, like the front of a big shoe print right down the top of his head. That was a fitting assessment too. His head looked as though it had been squashed, almost seeming flattened as thick curls of fat hung off his jawline, conjoined and layered above his shoulders as they rested against his neck. Strangely enough though, this grotesque shape didn’t seem out of place when included with his figure—if one could call it that. His torso was roughly the shape of of a Volkswagen buggy viewed from the side, and he had thick elephant legs to support it. To top it all off, the man talked with an almost Texan drawl. It unnerved Theon greatly.

“I’m new here, starting in late. I haven’t even seen my schedule yet if I’m telling the truth.” Mr. Pudge seemed surprised, but not annoyed or overly burdened.  
“What a rough position to be in, I’ll make sure you’re put in good hands there son.” His chin pouches jiggled as he talked.  
So I’m someone else’s problem, Theon thought.  
By this point the man have phoned in for another worker, because at that moment a sharply dressed woman walked in. She looked remarkably young, but with solid grey hair for some reason—a dull and solid shade almost lending itself to some blue. It matched her pantsuit. Dreadful. She smiled widely without opening her mouth, showing no teeth.

  
“You must be Theon. We’ve been expecting you.” Wait, he still couldn’t see any teeth.  
What the fuck is wrong with this place? “I uh… Good morning m’am. How can I get myself started?” He just needed to get the hell out of this room, and the hell away from these people. She seemed perturbed, but it was almost as though it was her natural resting energy as a person. She nodded slightly at his statement, understanding his cutting to the point. She turned to face the great pudge pile.

  
“Mr. Janus, would you mind making a printout of this boy’s schedule?” He jiggled around a little and thumped the heel of his foot, perhaps a little distressed. “Uh-uh certainly madam.” He turned to face Theon. “What’s your name son?” Theon felt his lips get a little bit thinner.  
“Theon Greyjoy.” The man, ‘Mr. Janus’ apparently, smiled very widely, with a bright row of oddly perfect and pearly white teeth. He bustled off into a side room of the office, leaving Theon alone with the Grey Woman. She kept her head tilted down at a queer angle, just a tad bit too sharp to be normal.  
Maybe that’s why she looked toothless? Unless she’s secretly a hundred year old woman with some black magic shit to keep the face of a teenager. Theon’s train of thought derailed slightly as she moved closer, smiling again without opening her mouth.

  
“Zero period has already started, but attendance for that doesn’t really matter in the end. It seems that way to me at least. Anyways, you’ll be able to make the start of your first period, and I’m sure you can find your way from there.” Despite her bothered demeanor, there did seem to be an undercurrent of genuine goodwill. Theon was taken aback.  
“I’m sure I can. Thank you for your help Ms…”  
“Dr. Horwinch.”  
“Dr. Whorewench?” Theon felt his heart start quivering. He wanted to slam his head into the service desk.  
“Horwinch,” she corrected sharply, heavily accenting a slight roll in the R and clearly annunciated the I.

Theon couldn’t help but feel like none of this was really happening. It was all just some bullshit he was making up, pulling right out of his ass. Maybe he was in a coma, or on drugs or something. Averting his eyes from the horribly misfortunate woman, Theon scanned more closely over the crowded service desk. A few jars of pens were around along with some piles of standard paperwork, plus some sticky notes and a stapler. What drew his eye next was a small metal label, what appeared to be a station name marker. It looked professional, all but for one quirk. It held only a single first name.  
“Hugh”

No, Theon thought, turning quickly to look looked into the woman’s eyes.

She stared back knowingly.

“No.” He said aloud. But he saw it in her eyes.

  
“Yes.” She responded.

  
“You, are not telling me,” he closed his eyes, “You are not telling me that that man’s name is Hugh Janus.”

  
She narrowed her eyes at him for a moment, then grinned as widely as her tight lips would stretch.  
“It’s Hugh Janus. Some kids a few years back got carried away with the joke, so we have him stick to a first-name basis around campus. For us office workers though, it’s fair game.” Theon nodded, getting a little dewy-eyed as reality set in.

  
At this moment, Hugh stumbled back into the room, holding a single piece of paper in his hand. Managing his way over to deliver it, the paper swung in his hand in what must have been at least an arc of at least 3 feet. By the time it reached Theon's hands, the paper held deep creases from the brute strength of Hugh’s grip as he’d carried it. Theon wanted to bury his face in his arms and cry.

  
Theon passed the schedule off speedily as he could to the Grey Woman, who with a quick glance determined his first class.  
“You have Philosophy with Mr. Bartrum, room 170. First, walk out the front entrance here and turn right. That’s the main school building. Go in, and walk aaall the way down the first floor hallway. It’s the room at the very end of the hall. The five-minute bell should ring in about two minutes. Good luck.” Sparing a quick nod in Hugh’s direction, she handed Theon’s schedule back over and turned to walk out. Theon did the same, and Hugh gave a large wave and jubilant “Have a great day!” Theon muttered a quick “You too” and turned immediately to leave. He was outside before the man could say another word. As Dr. Horwich had directed, Theon turned to his right and headed into the school building.

  
It was long, and it was big, and Theon felt pleased to have those be the first thoughts he had about the place. He noticed classes still in progression, students packing up their things as the period drew near to an end. A few caught his eye, and immediately he felt the beginnings of whispers about himself, ‘the new kid’. With about six minutes left before he had to be in a classroom, Theon decided to dodge into a bathroom before the crowd hit. Luckily enough, the school was well funded, with some nicely furnished bathrooms.  
Well lit with big mirrors to show you how shitty you look. 

  
Theon didn’t look quite as shitty as he thought he did—though he surely did have some notably mussed hair, with faint but large under-eye circles to finish the picture. To his distaste, he found his lips were chapped and dusted white with loose dead skin.  
Ick, he thought. Savoring his time with the bathroom to himself, he quickly brushed out his hair with his fingertips, styling the best he could the kinks and curls that threatened his dignity. He succeeded in getting something far more presentable. Splashing a bit on of water on his face, he scrubbed lightly over his skin and mouth before washing off his hands for good measure. Searching around for something to dry off, he found to his surprise that there was a rack of small towels. Finding them clean and surprisingly soft, Theon used one to pat his face dry and scrape over his teeth and lips before drying his hands, tossing the towel into a bin just as he heard the bell ring. Sizing himself one last time in the mirror, he figured that nothing could be done about his dreadfully bleak sense of style.

  
Theon always tended to drop his shit every once in a while. But even he was to fall so deep as to scrape the very dredges of his humanity, he knew there was always a comeback. With that mindset, Theon headed out and down the hall to his first class.

  
The day passed in a mostly uneventful blur, until Theon reached his PE class. In began as usual with roll being taken religiously immediately after the bell. As the boys lined up, chatter formed all around Theon as the already establish cliques exchanged words and quick glances over this new kid, looking bedraggled and mussed to hell. But among all of the chitter-chatter and flickering eyes, there was one whose gaze didn’t waver.

Theon found him several bodies down the line, staring intently at his face when he wasn’t checking him out a little further south. He had dark hair, and though he was hardly nearby Theon could still make out a darkness in his eyes. Suddenly self-conscious, Theon avoided his gaze, staring straight ahead as the class’ teacher approached him.

  
“You’re the new kid, huh?” He eyed him up and down. “There isn’t much of you.”


	2. Cock-Ass the Gym Teacher

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First contact 😬

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (We have our heading-) 
> 
> Here we GOOO 
> 
> (from the magic within our hearts)

... 

"There isn't much of you." 

All eyes on him, Theon reverted to his usual defense. "Not that you can see, asshole." 

That earned him a genuine laugh. "Keep up the antics..erm-"

"Theon." This wet bag in his tight blue gym shorts and sweaty grey tee had already earned Theon's full hatred. 

"Keep it up, Theon, and you'll get into the best shape of your life this year. A mile outside. I want you back within 10 minutes or it's another." 

"Gimme a half-mile and I'm back in 5! That's 5 more minutes to oggle my cock through these shorts." A scattering of chuckles and stray snorts shot through the lineup. Poppa Pretentious wasn't happy. 

"2 miles. Would you all like to join him?" Theon was out of quips, and it was silent for a short moment before a dark timbre rose out of the crowd. 

"It was a good offer. Another mile only loses you 10 more minutes." His matter-of-fact tone drove the class into a mild hysteria. As Theon searched for the culprit, he found himself meeting a familiar gaze. 

"Congratulations, you're joining him! The rest of you, we'll be starting with suicides to burn off all this extra energy." A short ripple of groans. "Two laps, now!" He turned to Theon. "You and your friend, 20 minutes. Get to the track, the clock is running."

"Whu-friend!?" was all Theon got out to the man's now turned back. As Theon watched his teacher wrangle the class into a loose circle around the gym, his volunteered partner in crime silently worked his way straight into Theon's bubble. He hovered closely behind Theon's back, smiling at his unawareness before leaning in so close as to almost touch him. 

"You heard him, /friend/," he hummed from deep in his throat, admiring as Theon jumped out of his skin spinning to face him. Theon found himself inches away from his earlier admirer, looking at Theon so strangely. Or, not as much 'strange', Theon thought, as different. There was an odd attentiveness there, potent enough as to captivate him through sheer intensity. The stranger's chilled blue eyes only intensified the effect as he smirked comfortably. "I'll show you to the track, c'mon," his grin dropped into a passive mask as he reached to tug on Theon's sleeve, pulling them toward the nearest exit. Theon, still stunned from the weight of his rancid, fucked up day, submitted himself to fall into step behind this mysterious classmate.

**Author's Note:**

> :D


End file.
